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"It is a heretic that builds the fire, not she who burns within it."

Chapter Four
Dark Allies

The wind bore down heavily on the dimly-lit streets of City One, stirring up eddies of snow into miniature demons that flitted about the orange-hued forms of two near-motionless ponies—the biting cold stinging, slicing, and carving their miserable bodies. Daylight swallowed back tears as she carefully slipped her mother's book into the front of her torn sweater before swiping at her frost-encrusted eyes with a forehoof. Applejack moved to sit close to her, giving her a soft nuzzle.

"She was a good pony, Daylight. Come on, let's see if'n we can't get outta this snow," a shiver wracked the elder pony's frail form and Daylight looked up, concerned. "Ah'm not sure ah'll make it much longer out here…" Her kindly, world-weary eyes were frost-rimmed in the worsening weather as a forlorn smile crossed her face. In the glow of the magical street lamps, she almost seemed to shine.

Grasping and failing to find words to express her feelings, Daylight simply gave a slight nod. She looked hollowly around, trying to decide which course of action presented the least danger. The guards at the gate were of far too great a number to even attempt an escape, and the gate was too heavy to be moved in any case. And even if they did, by some miracle, succeed, Applejack was right—the cold would get the best of them. What had seemed at first to be a simple if unpleasant snowstorm was now rapidly descending into a deep freeze, making even Daylight's young bones ache and her flesh sting and numb.

There was nothing back the way they had come, either; only the broad street, on which she had encountered the eerie pony… What was her name?... Pinkie Pie. Suddenly Daylight gave a short gasp of surprise that quickly turned to a moan of pain as the frozen air rent her throat and lungs. She did know that name! That pony. Though she had only spoken to her as a filly on a few occasions, Daylight began to recognize her. Pinkie Pie had been friends with her mother. She tried desperately to remember anything else, but her memory fell short and presented her with nothing more than an association between Pinkie Pie and pastries from a sweet shop.

Maybe Pinkie Pie wanted to help them, though, and that was why she had been looking for Daylight! Maybe, just maybe, she was their key to escape! But then, swifter than hope had warmed her heart, it fled. Daylight had seen how Pinkie had behaved, and there was no doubt that she was aligned with the State. They'd have to make their own way out… somehow.

"The shops," Daylight whispered, almost to herself.

"What's that, sugar cube?"

"The shops," Daylight repeated, looking into Applejack's eyes. "We can wait out the night in one of the shops… out of the cold. Think of an escape plan."

Applejack, suddenly more animated, beamed and pressed closer against Daylight's body heat. "Ah, now I see! Seems like a plan! Lead the way."

As they quickly trotted back up the alley Daylight craned her head to and fro, searching for one very specific shop… the one that had caught her eye so intensely. The one with the dress. It was easily enough found despite a thick covering of hoarfrost, and Daylight stopped to examine the door. Although the pane of glass that housed the dresses may have been thin the door was made of thick and solid mahogany, faded from time, its golden gilding peeling from ornately carved grooves.

Biting down on the freezing knob and attempting to twist, Daylight tried desperately to open the door even as her teeth sent sharp, sour signals to her brain. When that failed she jerked her head back and forth, jiggling the knob as best she could, but to no avail. No matter how she pushed the door was jammed, its frame packed tightly with thick black ice. No doubt the ice had even seeped deep into the mechanism of the door to freeze the lock and hinges shut.

Suddenly Applejack stood beside Daylight, determination in her aged eyes. "Step back, Daylight. Ah may be old, but ah think ah got this."

Daylight watched her aunt creakily position herself facing away from the door before throwing all of her weight onto her forehooves. Her tattered hat flipped off of her head as she powered her legs backwards into the door in a mighty buck and small chips of ice flew in all directions to spatter piercingly on Daylight's bare face and hooves. A massive crack pierced the frigid air, easily audible even over the howling of the wind, as the door groaned and shifted. Despite her obvious discomfort Applejack moved herself into position once more; this time the crack was cut short as the door flew inwards, taking pieces of the jamb with it.

Applejack seized her hat from where it lay on the street. "In, now! They'll have heard that for sure!"

Once both were in the shop Applejack bucked the door tightly shut once again. Luckily the shop also had a door bar, which Daylight hastily but firmly slid into its holders to lock the door from the inside.

The street lamps' light filtered through the ice on the window to illuminate the interior with a wintery mithril light; just enough for Daylight to see. Dust motes swirled in the air, disturbed by the ponies' rapid entrance and drawn by a slight draft towards a staircase in the back corner. The faded, beautiful dress sat resplendent in its glass housing, stars shining even more exquisitely on this side of the window. Other articles began to catch Daylight's eyes as well: a magnificent purple sun hat, wide-brimmed and jaunty, sat atop a hat form beside the dress; a tarnished wreath of golden leaves rested beside that. Upon the shelves were a multitude of neatly folded dresses, covered in dust though they were… one clearly red and white striped, one rosy pink.

Slowly her eyes were drawn down from the shelves to countless piles of cloth strewn about, hanging off of their bolts, many torn to shreds. Needles and thread were carelessly thrown about. Amidst the wreckage a maroon lounge chair lay smashed and torn, a white shred of fabric bearing a dark and ominous stain atop the splintered wood. Applejack stared at the debris, shaking violently.

Daylight found herself disconnected, timidly stepping across the mess to the star-speckled dress despite the broken glass from what might once have been a magnificent vase crunching beneath her hooves. Ever so carefully she held up a hoof to touch the fabric of the dress, as though it were but a mirage that would shimmer away if she came too close, before touching it to her cheek. The faded blue fabric was luxuriously soft and finer than any she had ever felt, obviously woven from the most expensive of silken threads. The stars themselves were made from the thinnest metallic foil; not silver, but something different. Something magical.

Suddenly Daylight's eyes landed on a single metallic star positioned just behind the dress form's right ear. This star was different from the rest; it was far more radiant, far more glorious. Carefully she pulled it down, a tingle teasing her mind upon seeing it directly. Sometime long, long ago, her mother had shown her a star just like it. Using what magic she could muster, she clipped the star carefully into her mussed mane.

A shadow crossed the frosted glass and movement outside startled Daylight back into reality. She froze in horror as another shadow went by, closely followed by a third.

"Over here, Daylight!" Applejack's harsh, urgent whisper allowed Daylight to turn her head even through her sick fear. Applejack was standing over an open trap door, holding the hatch open with one hoof. With the other she motioned down into the darkness.

Loud voices echoed through the front door.

"I know I heard it! Sounded like somepony bangin' on something!"

Panic coursed through her and Daylight moved to Applejack as quickly and quietly as she could manage as a second voice filtered angrily into the shop.

"Check these doors!"

"Which ones?" The first voice again.

"All of them!"

Daylight rapidly passed through the hatch to descend the rickety flight of stairs into darkness, Applejack close behind. With a sputtering jolt Daylight magicked her horn to glow, dimly illuminating the basement room as Applejack seized a rope attached to the trap door with her teeth and yanked savagely downward. The hatch threw itself closed with a thud and a shadow from above indicated that a piece of fabric had fallen down over the edge, partially obscuring its outline even as thin rays of light from above shone down through the floorboards.

Daylight shivered from fear in the dank, moldy space, surrounded by mildew-speckled and rat-eaten piles of cloth. Two dress forms stood staring at the two ponies from a corner, like frozen corpses, their wretched skin sagging under years of decay and disuse. Beneath the forms lay a small patchwork mouse, a cat's toy, long ago forgotten. She retreated back to the top of the stairs, loath to stand amidst such a disturbing arrangement.

"Daylight! Douse the light!"

Upon Applejack's harried whisper Daylight immediately acquiesced, and just in time. The horribly familiar sound of a breaking door reverberated across the shop, the pieces of the lock board clattering across the floor before coming to a deathly silent rest only a meter from their basement door. A moment later, the tell-tale clip-clop of hooves echoed through the darkness.

"Search this place! I know somepony came in here!"

The hooves approached their hiding place, stopping dangerously close to the hatch. Daylight peered cautiously upward through the thin space between the boards. A shadowed figure was just barely visible, soft blue light illuminating a stark white coat underneath which gleamed a sharp glint of shined brass. She could see as the pony turned his head back and forth, ears rotating this way and that as he searched. Searched for her. Daylight held her breath, silently willing them to leave. Don't come here. Go away! Please, please!

The Peacekeeper narrowed his eyes as he checked the room one last time before hesitantly turning to leave, hooves clopping slowly on the scarred wood. Daylight let out the breath she hadn't even realized she had been holding, the slightest whisper of a sound issuing from her nostrils with a puff of vapor. The Peacekeeper abruptly stopped, and creeping fear washed over her in a wave. He turned again and light issued from his horn, dancing about and glittering in his cold eyes. He had only to search for a moment before the outline of the hatch became visible to him.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no…

He peered through the floorboards and his own cold gaze caught the glint of Daylight's terrified eyes. Their gazes met for one split second.

"Looks like we got us a mouse hiding under the floor, boys!"

He reared up and brought his forehooves crashing down on the brittle wood of the hatch, splintered wood flying in all directions. Daylight shrieked pitifully in pain as the sharp slivers struck her face to draw forth streaks of warm, sanguine blood. She tumbled backward down the staircase, landing hard on the stone-cold masonry with a thud and a cry. The Peacekeeper stood ominously above her on the stairs, advancing down with a horrific gleam of sick pleasure in his eyes.

Daylight shakily righted herself and a vein of blood dribbled from her lacerated forehead to land on her sweater, forming a dark and messy stain and bringing with it a sharp pain. She stared at the approaching Peacekeeper and anger began to bubble deep within her chest. A deep scowl tore at her face. No!

No, it wasn't going to end like this. They were going to get out of here one way or another!

A piece of loose stone was seized from beneath her hooves as her anger fueled her magic and with all the force and speed of a catapult was flung. She closed her eyes before the impact.

A sickening, wet crack. A thud.

Daylight's head swam woozily, the expenditure of magic having been almost too much. Blood continued to drip from her nose and forehead. She collapsed to her knees, and blackness very nearly fell. With a tremendous effort she fought it off. "Applejack…" she felt groggy, disconnected, unreal. "We gotta go Applejack… away…"

Applejack blinked as she turned her head to gaze at Daylight with a look of horror… and fear. She shuffled over to the unicorn, silent, no words. As Daylight opened her eyes and struggled back to her feet, Applejack looked away.

With as much speed as she could muster Daylight ascended the stairs. There would be more soon, and she was in no state to fight any more Peacekeepers. She froze as she passed the broken hatch. They couldn't go back out into the street. They would die. Instead, she turned her attention to the staircase she had noted upon first entering the shop.

The narrow metal steps spiraled upwards and up was somewhere, and somewhere, which was anywhere, was better than here. Halfway up the stairs, the sound of harsh voices was once again heard from below. It would be reinforcements, no doubt discovering their comrade in the room below.

"What in the…  The stairs! I hear somepony going up there! To the roof!"

The metal staircase rattled like old bones with the rapid hooves of galloping Peacekeepers and terror once more set in. Daylight picked up the pace, adrenaline quickening her blood and driving away some of the wooziness. The Peacekeepers were not yet in sight as Applejack paused, taking a nervous glance down below her.

"Come on, Applejack!" Daylight yelled, throat raw.

"Ah'm a-comin'!"

The path to the roof was blocked at the top of the stairs by a rickety, ancient-looking door. It hung loosely on its hinges and was held shut only by a rusty padlock easily smashed by one of Daylight's hooves. As the brittle form easily shattered she swung it open to rush through into a dilapidated attic. The blizzard outside was visible through holes in the roofing, pieces of useless insulation and old furniture strewn across the floor. The only other exit was a small window on the far wall, no more than a meter across. Daylight shut the door behind her before using her magic to yank down a piece of the ceiling to wedge beneath the door. It wouldn't help much, but it could slow the Peacekeepers down just enough.

The window was heavily frosted and shone translucently, but was nailed shut. Without stopping to consider the consequences Daylight gave the glass a stout kick, sending broken glass and ice flying into the night. She winced as thin slivers of glass struck her legs and hindquarters and shivered from the pain, forehead still oozing blood. Through the shattered window stretched many rooftops, dark chimneys jutting towards the sky like gravestones. They were dizzyingly high… almost a full twenty meters up. Not a pony's length from the window, however, lay a long and flat roof.

A pounding came at the door, and Daylight knew that it wouldn't hold for long. Cracks were already visible, the center bulging dangerously. There was only one option.

"We gotta jump!" Daylight shouted.

Applejack's face was arrested in a look of shock. "What! I ain't jumpin'! Are you crazy?"

"You have to trust me," Daylight keened, glancing at the deteriorating door. "There's no time. Just follow my lead!"

A few steps back, and then Daylight was charging directly at the open window. She sailed through with a mighty leap and landed heavily on the next building's roof tiles, cracking several in the process. A few slipped, but the footholds were steady enough that she was able to keep from falling. She looked across at Applejack, still framed in the window.

"Now! Jump!" she hollered, the icy wind carrying away most of her voice.

Applejack uneasily took a step back, but then came flying through the window herself. She landed in a heap next to Daylight, shaken and bruised, as an audible crash echoed through the broken window. They began to run across the roof before Daylight suddenly stopped, attention broken by a noise. A tone was slithering through the chill air, eerie and familiar. No… it was the Siren. The City One Siren. Her heart sank as the words were spoken by a calm mare.

"Attention all residents and Peacekeepers of City One: there is a fugitive from justice loose within the city. Last seen attempting to flee on hoof. Name: Daylight Sparkle. Occupation: Department Secretary. She is wanted for multiple counts of murder and treasonous crimes against the State. Watch for a yellow unicorn accompanied by an orange earth pony."

Daylight winced and cursed. Just one more thing, one more problem barring their way to freedom. The wind began to lull, though it was an incredibly small relief. At least there was one good thing. There had to be some way out of here, even if they had to fling themselves from the battlements atop the castle and over the outer wall. They would escape!

A shape whistled through the air millimeters from Daylight's nose and embedded itself into the ceramic of the roof. She reared back in shock and looked down, startled. The feathered shaft of a long bodkin arrow still vibrated from the force of its impact, its venomous tip buried deep into the wood beneath the tiles. She took off, the Siren forgotten to her. Another arrow whizzed past, once more just barely missing her.  Her hooves clacked sharply on the tiles as she galloped across the roof and dodged around the corner of a sloping tower, Applejack coming swiftly behind her. A few meters away she spotted a raised window jutting from a low slope of the roof and made a run for it, dashing with all of her speed, the frozen air like salt in her wounds.

THUNK! More arrows were loosed through the night sky.

The window was open, and she thanked the heavens that it hadn't been locked as she slid through the window frame with Applejack on her tail. They were in another attic, this time filled with many boxes and crates, stacked up one atop another like bricks in a wall. Their dark forms reached all the way up to the invisible ceiling, extending before them like a wooden maze. Daylight just barely managed the smallest spark from her horn to light their way; just enough to see for a couple of meters. She wobbled clumsily on her hooves, exhaustion setting in. She shook her head quickly, staving off the feeling for just a few more moments.

She searched the floor; somewhere would be a door or hatch that would lead out of the attic. There it was: only a meter distant, with a tarnished silver latch clearly visible and shining in the light from her horn. The hatch was easily lifted to reveal a gaping stairwell. She allowed Applejack down first, and held it open carefully as she sidled down herself. The hatch closed with a metallic ping, as though some sort of lock were being engaged.

The stairs were incredibly narrow, only wide enough for one pony, but quickly opened up at the bottom into a crumbling antechamber. Another door lay before them, this one a smooth hardwood that was nearly as dark as ebony. The handle was solid brass, dulled by a thick layer of dust that Applejack blew off before attempting to pull the handle. It didn't budge.

"Aw horsefeathers—ah guess ah'll have to buck this one too." She moved herself into position.

With a bang the door flew from its hinges, but not because of Applejack. It fell inward, almost crushing the elderly earth pony as she dodged the falling wood. Two Peacekeepers rushed in, stark white uniforms gleaming in the light of Daylight's horn and wielding batons. With a fierce blow the first viciously struck Daylight across the head. The world dissolved into chaos as light exploded around her, her silver star clattering noisily to the floor a mere second before she collapsed.

Everything began to spin, numbness spreading through her limbs. She stumbled and hit her head on the floor heavily, blood once more flowing from the gashes. The light from her horn gave out and blackness fell. Scuffling, thuds, and screams surrounded her. More ponies.

Voices now.

What are they saying?...

Daylight managed to look up weakly from where she lay on the floor. A shadowed figure hovered above her, blurred and out of focus. Her will gave out as she clutched the precious book hidden within her bloodied sweater, and she finally gave in to the darkness.




Make sure to hit the ķ button, so that you get indentation.

Okay, okay, ended up being much longer until the update than I said it would be. I think this fanfic doesn't operate well within deadlines, so I'll just say it'll get done when it gets done. But mark my words, it WILL get done, so don't worry about that. ^^

Anyways, here's Chapter four. Major reference in this one, I have no doubt in my mind that most of you will pick up on it.

Main info can be found in the Prologue description, and as always, if you notice any spelling, grammar, or glaring bits of discontinuity, then by all means, tell me so that I can fix it. I don't need nasty mistakes festering on my page. Yuck. Anyway, critique is also welcome.

I would like to thank my beta-reader and editor, :iconarchaeidae: for her particularly outstanding work in helping me to smooth out the rough edges, as well as for the creation of the incredible poster that you see above.

Prologue: [link]
Chapter One: [link]
Chapter Two: [link]
Chapter Three: [link]
Chapter Four: Here
Add a Comment:
Guadags Featured By Owner Sep 6, 2012  Student Writer
chapter 5 is where?
caldwchr000 Featured By Owner Aug 9, 2012
Its a shame this fic died, I really did love it. It was the first fan fic I ever read and it is what caused me to delve so much deeper into this community's fiction. Even if this never completes, I am very grateful.

Also, if you could tell me how this story ends and what happened to all the characters, I would be extremely happy. I hate cliff hangers and I really need to know how this story worked itself out.
Icaron Featured By Owner Aug 9, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Not dead, so much as just on hiatus until I get proper inspiration. ^^

(I'll let you in on a secret for this, I never actually planned the whole thing out, I kinda just thought it out as I went along. XD
However, I do know what the end is going to be, I won't tell you outright, but the ending will be reminiscent of a Shakespearean tragedy, the Dystopia will be resolved, yes, but it won't be a happy ending)

I'm quite glad you liked it though, it was fun to write. =)
caldwchr000 Featured By Owner Aug 10, 2012
Please Please Please finish this someday. You could finish it ten years and I would be happy. Like I said, this fic has stuck with me more than any other fic. It nags at me now and then even though its been more than 6 months since I last read it.

I don't know if its your writing or the sense of despair and hopelessness comes with 1984 style literature.

Keep it up and don't give up.

(also, nice rapid reply there. The world needs more of those)
Icaron Featured By Owner Aug 10, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I hope to finish it someday, just need the right inspiration is all. ^^

Probably a bit of both, I've used a lot of elements that weren't part of the Orwellian style specifically. (I was also drawing off of the styling of Bradbury's works, as well as a few others while adding my own creative flair)

I always valued a quick response.
Though it's been getting a bit hard to do as of late with college and the sheer volume of comments I keep receiving. XD
Dues-AJ Featured By Owner May 2, 2012
Will you encorporate Shining Armor and Cadence into your story? If your going to continue it that is.
9Summers Featured By Owner Apr 7, 2012
I LOVE dystopian fiction, and I love how you were able to effectively make the Equestrian dystopia.

I'm dying for more, though.
Cullen0 Featured By Owner Mar 21, 2012
I really enjoyed every chapter you have written so far but then again I tend to be drawn to these types. Here's to hoping you more on the way soon :D
Icaron Featured By Owner Mar 30, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Well, I may yet add more to it. Been a bit preoccupied with digital art lately though, we'll see. ^w^
Cullen0 Featured By Owner Mar 21, 2012
Cullen0 Featured By Owner Mar 21, 2012
yay for browser messing up but I'm sure you get the idea xD
Magnaliscous Featured By Owner Feb 19, 2012
Have you dropped this project or is it still under work?
Icaron Featured By Owner Feb 19, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Oh, I still plan to finish it. I was just spending so much time on it that I was neglecting my other art venues, so it's just been on Hiatus for awhile. ^^
I'll start back up soon, maybe even this week :la:

So I take you liked the story then?
Magnaliscous Featured By Owner Feb 19, 2012
I am so far. :iconmegustaplz:
aedificatoris Featured By Owner Feb 6, 2012  Student General Artist
I've been following this story for quite a while now. I have enjoyed it immensely, especially from the angles of characterization and atmosphere. I also admire your homages to other dystopian works; too often such references are too obvious or too central to the narrative, yet thus far you have maintained a degree of subtlety that keeps them enjoyable.

However, I do have a few concerns plot-wise. I understand that some of these may be explained later on, or should just be ignored for the sake of the story. However, I thought that bringing them up anyway may be of benefit.

The story opens with Maleve brain-washing quite a few citizens of Ponyville. This is quite effective; he even manages to keep Pinkie Pie under his control. However, once he consolidates his power, he seems to abandon this tactic. Even if the means of that trick was through spiking the pre-meeting snacks, it would seem that once his government had taken over, doing this to the entire food supply would not have been too much of an object.

Secondly, it seems slightly strange that Maleve was unaware of Daylight. To gain the Elements, he must have had to discover who kept them. I doubt Twilight would have had any reason to keep the existence of her daughter secret, and Maleve must have realized that the family of the elements could still be a threat to his power, let alone the offspring of Twilight. Moreover, Daylight carries with her not only the heritage of the keeper of Magic, but is also closely related to the keeper of Honesty. While it surely not guaranteed that this ancestry would grant great power or empathy to the elements, it would seem to pose enough of a risk that he would attempt to prepare for it.

One last criticism involves the pacing of the previous two chapters. Although, as the readers, we know Daylight's heritage, it is an enormously dramatic revelation for her. Moreover, you wisely kept the contents of Twilight's letter hidden from us, so even we are learning something new. However, you have positioned it between two chase scenes, and while the two characters are very exposed and in great danger from multiple sources. While others may disagree, I felt like this lessened the emotional impact of the scene; we are still worried about Daylight and Applejack making it to (some degree of) safety, but instead you use that moment of tension to (at least partially) resolve a source of tension that has been festering since the prologue.

Sorry for being so critical. As I said before, I have been enjoying this, and look forward to its continuation.
Icaron Featured By Owner Feb 6, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Oh, no apologies are necessary. I love in depth critique. ^^
And I'm glad you commented, I had forgotten the next chapter was waaay over due, so I'll have to see to that.

Well, lets see what I can do here. To point one, I understand your concern here. The method of control in Dystopian fiction has always been something you have to balance out carefully to keep it plausible. What I was thinking in this was that he would have to use some unorthodox tactics in order to win them over in the first place, after-all, Maleve's ideology is so radically different from the status quo, that few, if any ponies would join him normally. So initially, the drugs were used in conjunction with magical hypnosis. Afterwards, I figured that the "Fear" based regime would keep most ponies in line, and the particularly troublesome ones or the strong willed would be put under various spells to keep them under control. (Those who didn't disappear that is.) Particularly in the case of Pinkie Pie, who is now under a spell fairly similar to that which Discord performed on the mane six, though here she managed to maintain her cheery personality, just have her intentions... reorganized.

And for point number two, I feel ya here. But this little hole was a necessary evil, for if Maleve knew about Daylight, then I wouldn't have much of a story now would I? ^^;
I like to think of this like Star Wars, where Darth Vader- powerful in the ways of the force, was unaware of the fact that he had two children, Luke and Leia, for more than twenty years despite them being right under his nose so to speak. Unless he's directing his attention in searching for Daylight, it is plausible (albeit unlikely, I'll give you) that he might overlook her presence.

As for Twilight keeping knowledge of her daughter away from Maleve, well, you've caught onto the point there. Daylight is the heir of the Element of Magic, as well as pretty close to the Element of Honesty, which is exactly why she would want her hidden, for she may possess the eventual ability to wield at least one of those. Twilight was well aware of Maleve's intentions, and being both a mother and a guardian of Equestria, she would want Daylight as safe as possible. So, if Maleve didn't even know that Twilight had a daughter, then why would he be looking for her? No better way to keep her safe. There's also a reason why he wasn't concerned about Applejack being out and about, but I won't go into it for it will be revealed later on.

The third point, you have touched on the one thing I was hoping no body would notice. :XD:
Then again, I seem to attract those who are knowledgeable about literature to my things, so I can't hide it. ;)
I'll admit I derped the pacing here, at the time I was wanting to squeeze as much emotion as I could out of the story, but my mistake was to take all the tension from the first part of the chase and to bring it to a culmination of "sad" so to speak with the revelation. It was only after that I realized what I had done, which was to kill all the tension I had built up before... So I had to fix it somehow, and I brought in the second chase and left it as a cliff hanger.

Not the best way to do it, but I think it worked alright. My pre-reader seemed to think it was alright, and that the emotion of the scene was rebuilt, so I went with it.

I would like to thank you for the critique, I needed something to think about right now. ^^

Soniclord65 Featured By Owner Jan 17, 2012
Good god, yes! You have no idea how amazing my day just became, all thanks to you and your amazing fanfic! This is honestly my second favorite fic, but there is only a minuscule gap between this and my top fave. Great chapter, as always.
Icaron Featured By Owner Jan 19, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Thanks! I'm glad you liked it ^^
(I'm curious, what is your top favorite? I wanna know who I'm competing with ;) )

This reminds me... I'm waaay behind on the next chapter. XD
Soniclord65 Featured By Owner Jan 19, 2012
It's AestheticB's Ponies Make War. If you know the story you've probably guessed that I like these kind of rebellion-y type fics. Like I said though, there's only a teeny tiny gap between this and Ponies Make War, but heck, that may change after more chapters of this are released, since PMW has 12 out already. Looking forward to the next chapter with bated breath :)
I-disregard-gravity Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Now for me I'm guessing this can go two ways. It's either the state or the resistance I'm guessing at this point.
TPB-KryptK33p3r Featured By Owner Dec 20, 2011
This just keeps getting better and better. I look forward to more from you in the future.
Icaron Featured By Owner Dec 20, 2011  Hobbyist Digital Artist
And I look forward to writing it. ^^
bronyfan Featured By Owner Dec 20, 2011
yay more
Icaron Featured By Owner Dec 20, 2011  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Jimperator Featured By Owner Dec 19, 2011
Glad to see an update! Though I can't help but yearn for more. These chapters are painfully short given how full of action, excitement and build-up they are.

It seems Rarity dwelled in that shop for sometime a while ago, wonder what's become of her. Also, by the ending, it seems to me somepony has come to their aid... Rainbow Dash perhaps? Far to much anticipation has built!
Icaron Featured By Owner Dec 20, 2011  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I probably should try and make them longer... hmmm, I'll see if'n I can't add another 20% onto each one. ^^

Perhaps. We'll certainly find out in the next chapter, eh? :iconscootalofsjalplz:
Jimperator Featured By Owner Dec 21, 2011
Oh also, something I've wanted to comment on:

Given the title of the fic, and the themes it deals with: Can we expect some grand rousing monologue against the tyranny? I know they can be incredibly cheesy but come on.


That's just inspirational! But perhaps a bit to cheesy given the darker nature of the story. =P
Icaron Featured By Owner Dec 21, 2011  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Oh that speech...
Charlie Chaplin, for such a comedic actor, was a true genius.

I actually hope to be able to fit something like that in there. There was a teeny tiny one in the prologue, actually, but I don't really count it. I don't find them cheesy, well, when they're done right that is. And not to give anything away, but there's a bit of light shining at the end of this story, you may yet just see something like it. ^^
Jimperator Featured By Owner Dec 22, 2011
Indeed he was. That monologue is all the more fantastically ironic in that he was a legend of the Silent Film era as well.

And I fully agree. I just call it cheesy cause it's so darn optimistic. I love that sorta stuff too though. :3
Jimperator Featured By Owner Dec 21, 2011
20% huh, I see what you did there!

Regardless of identity, I'm wondering what tropes the character will have. I'm thinking possible Blood Knight at the moment...
Icaron Featured By Owner Dec 21, 2011  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Blood Knight, eh? Hoh, I'm not sure that'll fit the character, whoever she is... or maybe it will. Hmm, we'll have to see! =D
Jimperator Featured By Owner Dec 22, 2011
I should stop prodding with tropes methinks and just let you reveal details as they come in the story...

So, Boastful Bruiser then? Come on it's gotta be one of these! Don't tell me they're Ax Crazy.

Icaron Featured By Owner Dec 29, 2011  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Axe crazy? Oh goodness, no. ^^;

I'm fairly new to tropes, but judging by what I've read, I'd say the character is a mix between hope bringer and loveable rogue. With a bit of blood knight thrown in. Good grief, it's hard to figure out which one fits the best. XD
Jimperator Featured By Owner Dec 31, 2011
Oh haha, no I was being facetious! I know Ax Crazies tend to be villains. XD

There are indeed a great many tropes. And some aren't as specific as one would like, but they're very handy and fun I find (not to mention TV Tropes is addictive as heck with it's articles). =P
DameRoseira Featured By Owner Dec 19, 2011  Student Writer
Finally, what I've been waiting for right thar'. But it's gonna take awhile to get the next bit, ain't it? ;)

I'mma try and critique it:

I'm glad you finally got Daylight to make the connection between Pinkie pie and Twilight even thought it was just last chapter. I kind of would've wanted like some made up memory of some sort between Daylight and Pinkie pie, or something but this works as well ^^;

I'mma gonna guess it's everybody's favorite unicorn, Mrs.Hoity Toity high-n-mighty's dress shop ;) :XD: I think it would've been creepily funny (to me) to have a dead cat in the basement corner or bones of the sort for Opal. But to each their own.

My predictions most likely will come true and that's not good but it's not all bad either. You need to make something crazy in a chapter Ben, you're not pushing the envelope enough for me. Just don't make it too un-utterlly unbelievable.
Icaron Featured By Owner Dec 20, 2011  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Hopefully not, I'm working on it right now. Just gettin' some vectors done first, then I'll finish it up. ^^

Funny? Kill Opal? You monster! (Just kidding, though I like an element of mystery more)

Pushing the envelope? XD
As if overthrowing Equestria and building a despotic dystopia in it's place where nopony has a cutie mark and the state has absolute power over everything isn't pushing the envelope enough? ;)
Well, there's gonna be more, just hold your horses, my friend. :iconrainbowdashwinkplz:
DameRoseira Featured By Owner Dec 23, 2011  Student Writer
You said that apparently 2 days agoXD

Well, it might be accurately true, if Opal was a full grown cat when- *GASP* WHERE'S APPLEBLOOM?!

That's the plot you got going with the ponies, but you need to have the main plot of that entire world, PUSH IT.

Don't you Rainbowdash me, Give me adrenaline! *Smack and goes skydiving*
GeneralRex Featured By Owner Dec 19, 2011  Student Digital Artist

Thank you for updating this =)

this is by far one of my favorite fan fictions to read for MLP, this chapter though not having moved the plot... was necessary all the same and much appreciated =)

Can't wait for Chapter 5... =O
Icaron Featured By Owner Dec 20, 2011  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I am honored to hear that, good sir. ^^
Thank you =D
bamakid1272 Featured By Owner Dec 19, 2011
Must . . . resist . . . urge . . . screw it. My last exam is tomorrow, but Ponies come first!

This chapter didn't really move the plot foward as much like the others, but it still had some key aspects. It was really just a big action chapter to me, which I feel we kind of needed. Things have been too sneaky for too long. Daylight sure seems hardcore for someone who was just a secretary before. Seriously, that is one tough mare.

Anyways, like I said, this chapter didn't move the story foward much, but one big hint was obvious. That being the store having about 100 hints at Rarity. You definately got the point across. She's in this story somewhere, it's just a matter of what happened to her. And going based on the destruction in the shop, it doesn't look good.

Oh, and you really want us to hate the Peacekeepers, son't you. Well, it's working. I just get sick at how cruel they are, and it makes me really pissed off. Each time one is killed, I get a feeling of satisfaction. The fall of the State will be so sweet to see.

The only other story driving point is the ending. I believe I pretty much have it figured it out, both I won't say anything so I don't ruin it for those that haven't and in case I am wrong. But if I am right, then joy of joys, we're about to get into the meat of this story. My body is ready! Let it begin! I'm expecting the next chapter soon, considering I remember you saying we were supposed to get two at once. If not, well . . . :turbopoke:
Icaron Featured By Owner Dec 20, 2011  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Ponies DO come first! Always XD
(For me anyway)

This chapter wasn't really to move the plot so much as set it up for the plot movement in the next chapter. I had originally intended to have that in this chapter as well, but I came upon the lovely opportunity for a bit of suspense, I couldn't pass it up, eh?

She'll turn up, one way or another just give her time. ;)

Yes! I certainly do, I sure as sugar don't want you to like them. Who could like them anyways? *shudders*

Appetizers are finished, and it's time for the main course. The chef is nearly done, just working out the plating of the dish, and the meat will be out for you to dine upon shortly. =D
QuercusRobur Featured By Owner Dec 19, 2011
Great chapter, i take it that the shop they were in was rarities and the stain on one of the dresses (or something else? ) her blood...
Icaron Featured By Owner Dec 20, 2011  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Thanks! You're spot on, my friend. ^^
RainbowGambler Featured By Owner Dec 19, 2011  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I was waiting for this so long and now itīs here :D, I wonder when you will bring the rebels in and what happened to the other of the mane6.
Icaron Featured By Owner Dec 20, 2011  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Eeyup ^^

Oh, you'll see soon enough. XD
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